TBRI Tip #15: Connection Part 2

Last time we talked about looking at ourself, being self-aware, and noticing how our attachment style contributes to or takes away from connection with our child. A second part of the interaction in the parent-child relationship is how we act or engage with our child. In TBRI Connecting Principles these are called Engagement Strategies. Listing off the 5 Strategies can seem like interesting concepts but not truly game changers in your child’s ability to connect and learn to attach, yet they are. The Engagement Strategies are the way you can help your child to come back online developmentally, attach and build trust. These strategies also disarm fear and promote social competence. The 5 Engagement Strategies are:

1.     Behavioral Matching 

2.     Valuing Eye Contact 

3.     Authoritative Voice 

4.     Playful Engagement 

5.     Healthy Touch 

Teach and Apply Connection 

The Engagement Strategies send non-verbal cues that you are a safe person and you value them. Kids from hard places are often very aware of non-verbal cues because of their chaotic, unpredictable history where they tried to figure out if they were safe, based on others non-verbal cues. Here’s how to apply sending a message of connection by putting these valuable tools into practice:

Behavioral Matching is mirroring the child’s behavior or physical position to increase felt safety. So instead of standing over a child, get down to their level or if they are sitting cross legged, sit cross legged with them on the floor. 

Valuing Eye Contact is your eyes warmly look into the child’s eyes when you talk to them, so they know they are precious. Eye contact is critical for connection. 

Authoritative Voice is being aware of having a warm tone and melodic cadence of your voice. This type of speech is more effective and engaging to a child. 

Playful Engagement is being playful when you’re talking with them or interacting as much as possible to disarm their fear. 

Healthy Touch is giving your child affectionate touch as often as possible. This increases pleasure chemicals and decreases stress hormones. If there was harmful or not much touch in your child’s past, you will need to ask them if you can touch them and/or go slow with touch as appropriate for your child. 

Some of these strategies will probably feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, but remember you are doing the important work of rewiring your child’s brain and that’s going to take courage and determination. Start with focusing on one of the strategies you feel most comfortable with. After you feel that one is a pattern for you, add on another one. For further, in-depth information go to www.child.tcu.edu.