TBRI Tip #19: Structure and Nurture
Important components in using TBRI, especially with challenging behaviors, are Structure and Nurture. At first glance these words appear to be common words we may have heard in other parent trainings. But for the child from a hard place, it’s imperative to understand these terms, as too much structure can cause extreme behavioral meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere. This is because negative, punitive strategies don’t work with kids from hard places since it puts them into their fear brain so they can’t think. Instead we need to create Felt-Safety with nurture, while also implementing the needed structure to correct the behavior. Structure and Nurture need to be applied in balanced amounts as you help your child. It is like two feet, as one foot steps forwards with Structure, the other foot must step forward with Nurture so that the walk is balanced. If your child needs a lot of Structure due to significant chaos and trauma in their history, they’ll also need a lot of intentional Nurture to balance it out. TBRI states that, “Giving children structure when they need nurture impedes trust. Giving children nurture when they need structure impedes growth.”
Apply Structure and Nurture
To utilize Structure and Nurture components optimally, we need to look at what our current parenting style is and with this awareness choose to increase or decrease our nurture and/or structure. There are 4 Caregiving Styles that help to describe it:
The Authoritative Style- this is where guidance and emotional support are given. Limits and nurture are provided. Nurture and Structure are balanced. This is what TBRI suggests.
The Authoritarian Style-this is where obedience and compliance are valued above all. They can be punitive when children misbehave and believe children should accept what parents say without question. This style is high Structure, low Nurture.
The Permissive Style-this is where the parent is very warm and supportive but they set very few limits or guidelines. They rarely correct children’s behavior. This may sound like a good style to have yet children need structure also and without it later on, during adolescence, they can struggle with high misconduct, substance abuse and self regulation problems. This style is high Nurture and low Structure.
The Neglectful Style-this is where the parent is often rejecting of children and not involved with them. This is more likely not a style you are doing since you’re reading this, yet it’s highly possible this is where the child in your care came from. Children from neglectful backgrounds show more negative outcomes than children from any other caregiving style and neglect can be just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse. As adolescents this kids have a higher tendency for delinquency, drug abuse, behavior problems and psychological difficulties. This style is low Nurture and low Structure.
Your task in applying these important Nurture and Structure styles to a child, especially during behavioral challenges, is to figure out what your normal, go-to style is and modify it as needed. For example increase Nurture in the Authoritarian Style, so that you are offering your child a balance with the high Structure. This balance will help them thrive during the difficult times, which is so important for them to be able to redo the behavior appropriately.