TBRI Tip #24: Behavior

Behavior. It’s so hard to deal with, yet are we looking at it the wrong way? Is behavior something we need to deal with or is it an opportunity to connect? Let’s review some foundation first. 

·       Behavior-fight, flight or freeze reactions that look like aggression, violence, manipulation or control. 

·       Dysregulation- the frontal thinking brain is off line and the lower fear brain is in control. When this happens, different chemicals are activated in our brain and sent through our body. 

Behaviors occur when your child is dysregulated and so they can’t think. How is that a good time to connect?? When your child is dysregulated they’re fearful so our job is to help them feel less afraid. We have an opportunity to soothe them in that moment of fear and distress that helps them to repair what was missing in their early years of attachment. They didn’t get the distress/soothing part of the attachment cycle completed and so now when they are in distress, the chemicals that fire are stuck on go and they have no way to stop them by themselves. 

Apply Behavior

During behavior we can slow down and connect with them by asking them what they need, providing them with water or a snack and just staying beside them. Every child is different, and every behavior is different but if you can remember these are their survival behaviors from their past and not willful behavior against you, you can look at your child with compassion. By being with them in their worst, scariest times we’re connecting with them at a deep level and building trust and attachment. This is the most important healing thing you can do. 

But what about if we get triggered when our child is acting out? That’s normal and you’ll want to figure out ways to calm yourself down that work for you. But also, when it occurs and you notice it occurs, that’s a time to remind yourself that what you’re feeling-scared, angry etc is what your child has felt most of their life, even though they’re in a safe place with you now. The idea is to change it so that the people in their life now do not respond with anger or fear, but with understanding. You don’t have to know how to do any exact thing, you just need to go there and be with them. Feel your feelings in your head and in your body and allow them to be okay and sit there with your child. As you begin to feel yourself calming down, you will have made it through the storm and are then prepared to be more present and helpful for your child.

To decrease behaviors and not have to do the above, proactively begin implementing TBRI Empowering and Connecting Principles, that is all the TBRI Tips so far, which include figuring out behavior by looking at root causes. Using these Principles consistently and over time, are what will help your child have less fear and less behaviors.