TBRI Tip #28: Connecting Versus Distancing Strategies to Disarm Defiance

In wanting good behavior from our kids, we may unintentionally be using strategies that create more distancing from us, rather than connecting. In dealing with defiance it’s important to use responses that will keep us connected so that all of the work done using TBRI Empowering and Connecting Principles doesn’t take steps backward. If we are engaging, giving voice, meeting needs, being proactive, etc. and begin to see the defensive walls coming down, a reaction that is distancing and/or too big for the behavior, can cause their defensive, combative walls to come back up and survival behaviors are the result. It will then take time and effort to bring your child back into trust and feel safe again. Therefore, it’s very important to be aware of your child’s state of reactivity and match it with appropriate Connecting Strategies to disarm their defiance. 

Apply Connecting versus Distancing Strategies to Disarm Defiance 

As we you apply TBRI strategies, defiance and behavior will improve but there will still be behaviors. In order to disarm the defiance, that is stop behaviors such as, rage anger, screaming, refusing to do what’s asked, name calling, cussing, throwing, hitting, running away etc., we need to approach ALL of these behaviors with strategies that change the behavior, while keeping connected. Below are some strategies that can help you identify what a Distancing Strategy would be and what Connecting Strategies are, to help you know your next step when your child is being defiant. Note: these strategies will not be your normal ways of parenting or reactions and they may feel like you are giving into them or letting them get away with something. But remember you are helping to rewire their brain by changing the intersection of their bad behavior and your reaction into a time of coaching them. Then they can build new neural pathways for getting their needs met so eventually they won’t have to go to survival behaviors. 

Distancing Strategies 

-Sending misbehaving child to “time out”

-Giving consequences 

-Yelling, lectures

-Angry body, face, voice tone 

-Emphasize child’s behavioral failure 

-Making them pay for failures 

Connecting Strategies 

-Bring misbehaving child closer for “time in” to help them calm down

-Coming to a resolution/repair after problem behavior 

-Reflecting on what they are feeling/going through 

-Joint problem solving 

-Warm face, body and voice tone 

-Emphasize child’s preciousness even though the behavior is not okay