TBRI Tip #6: The Attachment Cycle
What is the Attachment Cycle? The Attachment Cycle happens in the first year of life and sets the stage for the development of important personal and interpersonal skills, and what type of attachment pattern we will have throughout our life, if no intentional changes are made. The attachment process takes places as the baby cries, the caregiver meets the needs and so soothes the baby. This happens over and over so the baby learns his needs will be met and trust is established. When the Attachment Cycle is disrupted because there wasn’t a nurturing caregiver that met the baby’s needs, there are significant changes in the brain that lead to later emotional and behavioral difficulties. As TBRI teaches, the Attachment Cycle lays the foundation for Trust, Self-worth, Self-efficacy, Self-regulation and Mental health.
Teach and Apply Attachment
In order to catch up, a child from a hard place will need to receive attachment behaviors they probably didn’t receive as infants or toddlers or even in older ages. Practicing healthy attachment behaviors by developing Trust, giving them Self-worth and Self-efficacy, will go a long way in helping them get back to their normal developmental trajectory.
One of the most important TBRI concepts to realize is that your child’s brain chemistry changes in response to receiving attachment type input from you! By helping your child develop Trust, you are helping them to know that a safe adult will meet their needs. This is done by providing Felt Safety(TBRI Tips #4). A sense of Self-worth is given by helping them feel worthy of love and care, telling them they’re precious and special just how they are and especially in the rough times. Self-efficacy is giving them a voice or the feeling of having a successful voice. Because needs were expressed by crying or fussing as an infant and weren’t met with nurturing or care, kids from hard places think that no one listens to them, so they ‘lose their voice’. For these kids it can become difficult to trust adults to meet their needs as they grow up and so they develop survival strategies such as aggression, violence and control instead. Giving Voice, as TBRI calls it, can replace survival strategies. It is a core component throughout TBRI because it creates Connection by giving kids the feeling that someone listens and responds to what they say, it Empowers them to make choices and negotiate their wants, and during Correction it allows them to heal inside the years of shame of not doing it right.
4 Ways to Give Voice
1. Give Choices - Do you want blue or green? Do you want to start doing homework now or in 10 minutes? (more on Choices next time because they are so important!)
2. Give Compromises -TBRI Tip #1
3. Share Power-means that you allow the child to practice by making decisions because you hear their need, yet you are still in charge. It says, ‘I hear you, I see you and I’m okay letting you have the power right now.’
4. Say Yes! Hear the need or want behind the behavior and say Yes to it. If your child is having negative behavior, what does your child really want or need from you? Love, to be understood, to be heard, a hug, food or water, security, attention? It may not seem like these are the answer, but you may be surprised on how the behavior melts away when you give them what they need by saying yes and let their deep hidden voice shine through.
If your child needs to control everything or has a lot of aggression, hoards food or other negative type behavior, chose to meet their deep unmet attachment needs underneath the behavior and develop Trust, show them they’re Worthy and Give Voice, and see if it helps. For further, in-depth information go to www.child.tcu.edu.