TBRI Tip #7: Choices
How does it feel when you are told to do something versus when you are given a choice of what to do? For most of us being given a choice feels better because we get to have a say in what we will do. This is especially true for kids from hard places because they ‘lost their voice’ in earlier years of life. That is, although they expressed a need or said what they wanted, their caregiver did not respond to their need or what they said and so they lost their voice. Choices are the partner to Compromises (TBRI Tip #1). Like Compromises, Choices give shared power so that a child from a chaotic background can feel like they have some control. This is immensely helpful in decreasing their controlling behavior due to their fear of being out of control. It also increases their life skills such as making choices, negotiation and overall social skills they probably didn’t get as young kids. Giving Choices is part of TBRI Connecting Principles as it allows the child to build trust with you when you give Choices and then follow through. Choices are asking a child to choose from two options that you both would be satisfied with and then giving it to them or letting them do what they asked for. They are also part of the Proactive Strategies in the TBRI Correction Principles. When you utilize Choices in trying to solve a problem behavior as in Correction, you are giving them some power in the situation so they feel satisfied and it doesn’t becomes a power struggle.
Teach and Apply Choices
First you will want to really teach about what Choices are, in a calm time. Try to make it fun because kids learn better when they feel relaxed and connected. For example play a game and tell them, I want to share about Choices during this game. When you start the game, say something like, ‘I want to give you a choice, do you want to go first or do you want me to go first? Do you want an orange or yellow game piece?’ Mid-way through the game find another thing to give them a choice about and at the end bring it up again, ‘do you want to play again or start your homework?’ Later at dinner ask, ‘which do you want-peas or broccoli, ice cream or cookies or whatever. Ask them to give you two choices (kids usually love that!). Guide them in giving you realistic options so you can actually do one of the choices they offer. Then continue to bring this new tool into your next day when needed. Then you will have taught about Choices, they have applied it and now it can be used by both of you to improve connection and decrease power and control needs.
But what about during crunch times? That’s when Choices move into the Correction Principles. Choices are a Proactive Strategy because they need to be taught before situation occurs, as already described. Using Choices will be most optimally possible with a problem behavior when they’ve already been taught. That’s because during a crunch time your child will be heading towards dysregulation and won’t be able to think as well, so new things will be difficult for them to do But if they’ve practiced Choices during fun and calm times they are more able to do it when they feel threaten or fearful. For example, it’s time to stop playing outside and do homework and your child doesn’t want to do that. After you’ve noticed they aren’t responding to your first warm request (Levels of Response-Level 1) you could a little more directly give them two Choices (Level 2). ‘Do you want to stop playing now and do your homework or keep playing for 10 more minutes then come in and do an additional 10 minutes work before your next break?’ Likely they’ll want that because that’s immediate gratification. Next get their attention (get them looking at you) and make sure they agree with the new shared power agreement, say ‘10 more minutes of play then come in to do an additional 10 minutes of work, right?’ and they should agree. Then use the Transition warnings and Calming Transition (TBRI Tips # 5) to count them down to coming in and regulate from the outside activity as they come in. Does this take more effort and time then yelling at them to come in and then grounding them or other negative response for them not coming in?? YES!! But you are teaching them how to be compliant, sharing power with them, building connection and how their words are heard and responded to. This will benefit you and them in the long run but it is much more difficult at the time. Think of yourself as the coach, guiding them to learn new life skills. Be sure to praise them specifically for using Choices so they are encouraged to use them again! For further, in-depth information go to www.child.tcu.edu.