TBRI Tip #8: Review and Catch Up

Sometimes we read something and want to apply it, but then time slips away and we don’t or maybe we read it and it doesn’t seem to be helpful to the problems we’re having now. Possibly we’re just exhausted and aren’t able to add in one more thing! For all these reasons, today’s TBRI Tips will take a pause on new information and instead review where we’ve been and why these concepts and strategies could be important to the problems you’re having. Also it’s an encouragement for you to reset and try out any of these ideas that you haven’t had the time or motivation to do yet. Day in, day out parenting a child from a hard place can be very difficult. Yet as you try one thing and then continue adding little TBRI changes overtime, it will result in better connection and better behavior will follow. 

TBRI Tips so far:

1 Compromises

2 Self-Regulation 

3 Self-Regulation Tools

4 Felt-Safety

5 Transitions 

6 Attachment 

7 Choices 

What do all these TBRI Tips have in common? Each of the concepts we’ve covered so far are foundational in helping your child heal from their trauma. Their trauma may have been in utero or could have been when they were in an ICU or maybe their trauma was from their caregivers at home or in an orphanage. All of these situations and others create changes in brain development and chemistry. What we see on the outside are the emotional, learning and behavioral problems and are usually what we want to fix or get help with. But it’s important to remember that for a child from a hard place, we need to focus on something that is unseen, the brain. And this can be tough when you have to deal with harsh behaviors and words from the child that is right in front of you. TBRI says over and over to look at the need behind the behavior. Think of the need as a brain need, that is for it to grow and form new synaptic connections it didn’t get earlier in life, it needs you!

The lack of appropriate attachment early in life results in a way of behaving in life that can cause problems. In order to change this it’s extremely important to work on rewiring the brain to one of attachment (called Secure Attachment) so that your child can attach from wherever they’re at now. See TBRI Tips #6 for a reminder on how to improve your child’s attachment to decrease behaviors. Along with the attachment process, when a child doesn’t experience getting their needs meet as an infant or young child, they have lost their voice. With Choices and Compromises we are giving them a way to express what they need and give some control over their life. Giving Voice is the powerful concept that can rewire your child’s brain and reduce behaviors you’re seeing. See TBRI Tips #1 and #7 for how to apply Choices and Compromises. 

During the attachment process, regulation is taught by the parent as the external regulator molding and shaping the brain into a pattern of getting distressed and then soothed. If attachment was disrupted and this pattern was not offered by a caregiver, then so was the process of learning how to self-regulate. Lack of being able to regulate oneself causes so many of our personal, mental, emotional and behavioral problems that it cannot be overstated that this is a foundational concept. It is our inability to regulate how we feel due to the chemicals that are constantly firing when they should stop, that cause behavioral and emotional problems. The good news is that self-regulation can be taught, but you’ll need to start with where your child is at. To review teaching regulation see TBRI Tip #2 and #3. 

These chemicals also contribute to being fearful that can lead to huge behavior problems called fight flight or freeze, such as meltdowns, aggression and withdrawal. To reduce this type of fear-based behavioral reaction, their brain needs to experience safety at a gut level so that all those chemicals calm down. TBRI Tip #4 Felt Safety describes what to do to help them experience safety and rewire their brain to one of trust and reduce their fear-based behavior. It may seem counterintuitive to provide water or a favorite snack when they’re screaming or melting down, but when we’re speaking to the unseen fear brain we are looking at ways to sooth it and help our child calm down. If you can do this in the mist of their worst moments, you are giving them everything they need. They will be establishing trust even when they’re acting bad, they will be learning how to regulate, they will understand that they aren’t bad it’s just a bad time they’re having and they will be connecting and attaching at a deep level to you. 

Lastly, transitions, are one of the most difficult things for kids from hard places due to their changed brain. Kids can have strong emotional and behavioral reactions when they need switch to another activity and they aren’t prepared. The quick brain processing required during transitions can be difficult and so a behavior or meltdown occurs instead. You can decrease these behaviors by changing the way you expect your child to transition, see TBRI Tips #5, Transitions. 

So you can see all these concepts work together and yet they can (and should) be taught independently to help heal your child holistically. It can feel overwhelming to look at all these things you’re supposed to do along with everything else. But remember this isn’t forever and by investing in one new small strategy, you are doing enough.