TBRI Tip #9: Infant and Adult Attachment Styles

To help your child heal from relational trauma they suffered early in life, it’s important to have an understanding of their Attachment Style, and yours. Attachment Styles are patterns we learn and utilize throughout our life to navigate relationships. Attachment Styles can be helpful or they can limiting if we are unaware of their influence.

A child’s Attachment Style forms within the first 12 months of life and is based on the type of response or care they received from their caregiver. There are 4 Infant Attachment Styles:

Secure - caregiver consistently responded to needs when the infant was upset. When the infant had a need and cried, the caregiver met the need. 

Anxious-Avoidant - caregiver didn’t respond to needs when infant was upset. The infant learns not to cry because their needs will not be met. 

Anxious-Ambivalent - caregiver was inconsistent in their response to meeting needs when infant was upset. Infant does whatever is needed to keep the caregivers attention and stay connected, so they are difficult to soothe. 

Disorganized - caregiver was frightening or traumatic to the infant. The infant doesn’t have a clear strategy to respond when they are upset because typically they would go toward their caregiver for soothing but their caregiver is also the one that is causing them fear or pain and so they want to get away from them. These two competing pathways of going towards and away from their caregiver don’t provide a way to resolve the need for the infant. 

As we grow up these Attachment Styles remain the same if we don’t have any intentional intervention or significant life circumstance that changes them. Our Adult Attachment is the pattern in which we interact with the people in our life, including our children. Because our Adult Attachment style heavily influences our parenting, TBRI Connecting Principles teaches about it as a way for you to help your child. Sometimes our style will have blind spots in providing what kids in our care need and so becoming aware of them, allows us to see how we can improve. 

Like with Infant Attachment, there are 4 Adult Attachment Styles:

Secure infant->Secure adult- these adults have skills that relate to receiving care from others, giving care to others, knowing their autonomous self and negotiating their needs. As a caregiver consistent, nurturing care will be provided.

Avoidant infant->Dismissive adult- these adults were not heard as infants and therefore they rely more on things rather then people now. Often they are emotionally closed off which can hinder them in giving physical affection and nurture. 

Ambivalent infant->Entangled adult - these adults can get too close too quickly to others and then have trouble separating. They may want to readily get involved in others problems without the request for help. As a caregiver they maybe more aware of their own need for affection, attention or structure rather than meeting their child’s need for any of these. 

Disorganized infant->Unresolved adult -these adults had an unpredictable, scary childhood and their brain and body learned to adapt. As an adult this unprocessed trauma can be triggered by many things, including their own child’s behavior. It’s important to separate out what the issue is in front of you and what is past trauma. As a caregiver this unresolved trauma can prevent you from appropriately being able to assess the child’s needs and be fully present in their life. 

Apply Adult Attachment Styles

You can learn more about your Adult Attachment style by looking on the internet and fine tuning what you think your particular style is. It’s important to note, that whatever style we find ourselves:

1.     It’s something that was given to us a long, long time ago. It’s not a judgement or your fault. 

2.     You can change your Attachment style if you don’t think yours is serving you and your child as best as you’d like. 

TBRI suggests becoming Earned Secure. That is, those who were not given the Secure Attachment style can change things about themselves to become Earned Secure. This process takes time, courage and diligence, but it’s worth it! There are many ways to get there, including reading about it and applying what you read, counseling and journaling. As you intentionally bring Earned Secure attributes into your life, you and your child will benefit. For further, in-depth information go to www.child.tcu.edu.